英语幽默六则

1. Two Birds
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

[译文]两只鸟
老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

2. The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

[译文]鱼网
"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。
"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。

3. The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

[译文]新老师
9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。
"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。
"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"

4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick's answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

[译文]一次物理考试
在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。
这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？
尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。

5. The Mad Gardener's Song（疯园丁之歌）
Lewis Carroll
He thought he saw an Elephant， That practiced on a fife：
He looked again， and found it was A letter from his wife．
“At length I realize，” he said， “The bitterness of Life！”
He thought he saw a Buffalo Upon the chimney piece：
He looked again，and found it was His Sister's Husband's Niece．
“Unless you leave this house，” he said， “I'll send for the Police！”
He thought he saw a Rattlesnake that questioned him in Greek：
He looked again， and found it was The Middle of Next Week．
“The one thing I regret，” he said， “Is that it cannot speak！”
He thought he saw a Banker's Clerk Descending from the bus：
He looked again， and found it was A Hippopotamus：
“If this should stay to dine，” he said，“There won't be much for us！”
He thought he saw a hand Four That stood beside his bed：
He looked again， and found it was A Bear without a Head．
“Poor thing，” he said，“poor silly thing！It's waiting to be fed！”
He thought he saw an Albatross That fluttered round the lamp：
He looked again， and found it was A Penny Postage Stamp．
“You'd best be getting home，” he said：“The nights are very damp！”

[译文] 疯园丁之歌
刘易斯·卡罗尔
他以为他看见了一只大象，在练习吹笛子：
他再一看，发现那不过是 他妻子的来信， “我终于认识到，”他说，“生活的苦涩悲哀！”
他以为他看见了一头水牛，在壁炉架上站立：
他再一看，发现那不过是 他姐夫的外甥女。
“如果你不离开这房子，”他说，“我就去叫警察来！”
他以为他看见了一条响尾蛇，用希腊语向他问话：
他再一看，发现那不过是 下一周的星期三。
“让我遗憾的一件事是，”他说，“它不能开口说话！”他以为他看见了一个银行职员 正走下公共汽车：
他再一看，发现那不过是 一只硕大的河马：
“如果他要留下来吃饭，”他说，“那我们就没多少吃的了！”
他以为他看见了一辆四马拉大车 在他的床边停立：
他再一看，发现那不过是 一只没头的大熊。
“可怜的东西，”他说，“可怜的蠢货！它在等人给它喂食！”
他以为他看见了一只信天翁 围绕灯泡振翅：
他再一看，发现那不过是 一张一便士的邮票。
“你最好回家去，”他说， “夜里空气非常潮湿。”

6. A Different Kind Of Audience（不同的听众）
Al Smith was governor of New York State． He was a famous man． He was born very poor on the East Side of New York City． He had little education． He worked very hard and won great success．
One day， as governor， he was visiting the state prison at Sing Sing． Sing Sing is one of the largest prisons in the United States． The head of the prison asked Mr．Smith to say some thing to the prisoners． Mr.Smith had never spoken to this kind of audience before．He did not know how to begin．
Finally， he said，“My fellow citizens…．” Then he remembered that when a man goes to prison he is no longer a citizen． He began again．“My fellow prisoners…．” That did not sound right， so he said：“Well， anyway， I'm glad to see so many of you here today．”

[译文] 不同的听众
阿尔·史密斯是纽约州的州长。他是个名人。他出生在 纽约市东部的一个穷苦家庭。他读书不多，但是他工作勤奋， 终于获得了很大的成就。
有一天，作为州长，他访问星星州立监狱。星星监狱是全美国最大的监狱之一。监狱长请史密斯对囚犯们说几句话。史密斯先生以前从来没有对这一类听众讲过话。他不知道该怎样开口。
最后，他说：“我亲爱的公民们……”接着他想起一个人蹲进监狱就不再是公民了。他重新开始：“我亲爱的囚犯们……”那听起来也不对劲儿，于是他说：“噢，无论如何，今天在这儿见到你们这么多人，真是太高兴了。”